Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
