I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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