dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
