Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
