I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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