i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
