new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
