I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
