Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize