Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
