its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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