she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
