So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
