You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
