What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize