I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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