i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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