sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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