if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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