Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
