and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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