hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
