did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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