dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
