Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
