he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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