the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
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My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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