I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
