just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
