I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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