just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
