My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
