he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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