Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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