The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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