I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
