Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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