my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
