Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
