I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
