you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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