I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
