After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
