Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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