i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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