every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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