He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
