You smell like a Billy Joel song
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
