my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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