a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
