Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
