i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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