So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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