i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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