I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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