Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
