Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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