I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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