If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
