I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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