I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
